Helping Children Develop Resilience: Teaching our kids to cope

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I am frequently asked to speak to parenting groups on a variety of topics. When invited to speak, I typically ask, What would you like me to talk about? Without question, the most frequently requested topic these days is helping kids to manage stress. I think that parents are tuning into a valid concern, and I agree that kids today are overscheduled and over-stressed. I often find that parents are focused on the wrong end of the equation when it comes to helping kids deal with stress, anxiety, challenges, etc.

More often than not, parents I talk with are more focused on changing the environment (i.e.the things causing stress and anxiety) than on helping their child develop effective coping skills for dealing with difficulty. On the other hand, I have had many parents who actively inquire about how to help their children deal effectively with anxiety, stress and challenge. Unfortunately, they are really asking me how to help their children deal with difficulty in a way that enables them to perform and achieve at the highest levels of academic or extracurricular activities.

I believe that our focus should not be on making the world a less stressful, challenging, or scary place. Neither do I believe that we should help kids deal with difficulties in order to maximize their athletic performance or GPA. Instead, I suggest that we focus our efforts on helping children to develop resilience in response to adversity, challenge, anxiety, and stress. Lets face itas much as we would like to protect our children from difficulty, we simply cannot. I have two boys of my own. I would like nothing more than to promise them a world that is free of stress, fear, adversity, unfairness, bullies, etc. However, the world we live in is full of all of these. There is no community I can move to; no private school in which I can enroll them; no church we can join that will shield them from the difficulties they are sure to encounter.

Resilient Children
If stress, adversity, failures, setbacks and challenges are all part of our experience in this life, what can we do to help prepare our children for the road ahead? I believe that part of the answer is to help them develop resilience. In their book, Raising Resilient Children, Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein define resilience as, ¦embracing the ability of a child to deal more effectively with stress and pressure, to cope with everyday challenges, to bounce back from disappointments, adversity, and trauma, to develop clear and realistic goals, to solve problems, to relate comfortably with others, and to treat oneself and others with respect.

Every good counselor is trained to ask early in the process of counseling, What are your goals for treatment? I think Brooks and Goldsteins definition of resilience can be easily turned into wonderful goals for our children. If you read their book, you quickly realize that helping our children develop resilience is not synonymous with helping them to have high self-esteem. For example, children with a resilient mindset are aware of their weaknesses and vulnerabilities, but they also recognize their strong points and talents. This is not the same as thinking they can do anything. I sometimes hear parents tell their children, You can do anything you believe you can do. This is simply not true. My nine-year-old cannot throw a 90 mph fastball; I dont care how much he believes or says he canhe is simply physically unable to do this.

Resilient children dont think they can do anything, but they accept this and are aware of what they can do well. A resilient mindset in children is also defined as knowing the aspects of their lives over which they have control and focusing their energy and attention on these areas rather than on factors over which they have little, if any, influence. Despite all of the attention and focus parents give to developing high selfesteem in children, the research simply does not support the emphasis. For example, Martin Seligman, Ph.D., did an exhaustive literature review in the area of self-esteem and found that there is no evidence that self-esteem causes or results in good grades, more popularity, less teen pregnancy, etc. However, self-esteem does seem to be a symptom of, or correlate of, how well a person is doing in the world. Take help from a telephone counselor.

In other words, self-esteem is more of a meter that tells how one is doing rather than a determinant. Therefore, it appears to be a mistake to focus our efforts on getting our children to feel good about themselves as the cure of all problems. I strongly recommend that parents and professionals shift their focus from promoting general selfesteem to helping children develop resilience as a response to adversity. I would propose that helping children develop resilience is one of the most important things parents can do over the course of their childrens youth development preparing them to function effectively and competently as adults. In fact, resilience may be more important than IQ, raw talent, education, who you know, etc. in predicting effective coping in life.


Conquering Ones Fears

Fear is a barrier towards living ones life to the fullest. All people fear something. Some people fear death, getting married, closed areas, being alone, spiders, cats, dogs, etc. It is normal to fear; however, there are certain phobias or fears which could really be hindrances in living ones life normally, and these should be treated.

Fear of tigers, for example, is a fear that is not necessarily going to affect ones daily life, not unless he lives in the jungle where tigers abound. However, if one is a newly promoted business executive and his job would entail that he take regular trips outside the country through plane and he is afraid of flying, the fear poses a much bigger problem than usual. It would actually affect how a person would live his life and affect his future.

There are a lot of people who are being pestered by their phobias as they live their everyday lives. This article tries to give some tips on how one can overcome his fears.

Conquering ones fears is all about changing ones mindset towards the cause of fear. This is why it is very important to do something about phobias.

1. Know the source.

Most phobias are brought about by traumas or traumatic events that happened to someone. For example, if a kid was bitten by a dog, there is a possibility that he would develop a fear of dogs when he grows up. Although we know that traumatic events cause phobias, most of the time, these events are far from being obvious and are deeply imbedded in the unconscious. The brain tries to cover these events up to be able to cope. Hypnotherapy can be helpful in uncovering the sources of phobias.

2. Exert a conscious effort to change the mindset.

Conquering ones fears is all about changing ones mindset. Once the mindset towards the fear object is changed, then the fear vanishes. It may seem difficult to do this, but all it really takes is a certain event that has impact, a changing event. For example, a person who is afraid of flying may conquer his fear of flying once he has landed safely on his first flight. This event will change all the misconceptions and turn the fear into excitement, as he looks forward to another flying event.

3. Accept things that are meant to be.

There are certain things that are inherent to every one of us, and these things can sometimes lead to phobias. For example, one has asthma and his experience as a kid is that when he touched their house cat, he experienced a traumatic asthma attack, thus having a phobia towards cat. Now, for him to conquer his fear, he should take into consideration the fact that he has asthma and his lungs wont allow him to get close with cats. If he really wants to conquer his fear of cats, he can take preventive measures for his asthma. He can wear a protective gas mask perhaps or see his doctor first.

4. Have positive reinforcement.

Negative reinforcement will do no one any good. Trying to discourage oneself from conquering his fear will leave him in the dark for all time. He should give himself a pep talk before trying to do something that would conquer his fear.

These are only a few tips on how to conquer fear and phobias. Remember that its all about mindset and its all internal. One should not live in fear and should live his life to the fullest.


Joan Winthorp

Conquering One’s Fears


Love Luck Enhancers in Feng Shui

Feng Shui is both an art and science. Originated from ancient China about some three centuries ago, a part of Feng Shui, known as symbolism Feng Shui is the knowledge of placing and arranging good fortune symbols in correct and proper position or direction so as to exert concealed positive Chi powers of a setting to benefit the lives of people. Symbolism Feng Shui is very easy to apply and potent too. Feng shui enhancers consciously placed in the right Feng Shui orientation of your home can help to harness the Chi or energy which harmonizes the area of its influence, bringing about good fortune, good health, prosperity and happiness to the practitioner.

Do you feel as if love is eluding you and you feel unwanted and unloved? Would you like to invite love energies into your life? Authentic love symbols dating back from ancient China are just what you might need. There are many symbols used in Feng Shui that have been proven for centuries to enhance love Luck, romance luck, relationship luck and marriage luck. Here are some of them:

Mandarin Ducks – A pair of Mandarin Ducks symbolize happiness in love and suggestive of romance, devotion, affection, conjugal fidelity, togetherness and enduring love. Mandarin ducks live in couples and mourn the loss of their mates, which is why the bird has long been regarded as the most traditional and the most potent symbol of love and married bliss in Feng Shui practice. When placed in pair nearby their owners, Mandarin Ducks becomes a powerful cure to attract or enhance love and relationships. For singles, the pair of Mandarin Ducks will enhance your chances of finding love partners; for lovers, it will bring you marriage opportunities; and for married couples, a pair of Mandarin Ducks will hold out the promise of a marriage being gloriously happy with no separation between the spouses.

Rose Quartz – Rose Quartz is the most desirable of all quartz and is associated with love, romance and relationships. Widely known as the ?Love Stone’, Rose Quartz is most favored for its ability in speeding up the process for those seeking true love, mending broken relationships and jazzing up your existing romance life. Rose quartz is also reputed to help with the comprehension of love, restores the love of self as well as love for others, and heals old emotional wounds while developing self-appreciation and love.

Double Happiness Symbol – The Double Happiness symbol, composed of two Chinese characters for “happiness” arranged side by side, is another time-honored symbol of marriage and conjugal happiness and reputed to be the most famous and powerful at it. If you look carefully, the two characters are linked together by two lines, which signify the inseparable bond between the lovers. The Double Happiness symbol is a talisman used in Feng Shui to enhance spiritual and physical love between two people; ideal for men or women searching for love, already in love or maintaining a steady relationships or marriage.

Mystic Knots – The mystic knot, also known by many other names such as the lucky knot, love knot, infinity knot, never-ending knot or Endless symbol, is one of the eight auspicious signs of Buddhism that resembles the number “8” interwoven together and can be done so endlessly. The number “8” itself is an auspicious digit for the Chinese because it sounds like “fortune’ and also on sideway, it is the symbol for infinity. Hence the mystic knot symbolizes a lasting togetherness, assured continuity of love and everlasting love, among other things. It signifies lasting togetherness as well as smooth passage through life for married couples.

Peonies – The Queen of all flowers and the national flower of China, the peony or ?Mou Tan’ is also known as the ‘Flower of Riches and Honor’ in Chinese. The peony is the emblem of love and affection, feminine beauty and the amorous feelings of youth. Peonies are often referred to in romantic Chinese poetry and literature. In Feng Shui, the Peony is used to attract romance luck.

Dragon and Phoenix – The Dragon represents the ultimate ?Yang’ symbol, male vigor, courage and bravery. It is magnanimous and full of vitality and strength. The phoenix, on the other hand is the queen of all the winged creatures and the ultimate symbol of feminine/Yin power. When the Dragon and the Phoenix are depicted together, they symbolize the perfect Yin and Yang symbol, a pair of lovers that are connected for all of eternity, a happy marriage that is blessed with success and prosperity as well as many filial children.


What are we really responible for?


Intense Exercise Helps Combat Panic, Anxiety

For people at risk of Panic,  performance of regular, high-level exercise may be the tonic that can help to reduce anxiety.

In a new study, scientists found that people with “high anxiety sensitivity” — an intense fear of the nausea, racing heart, dizziness, stomach aches and shortness of breath that accompany panic — reacted with less anxiety to a panic-inducing stressor if they had been engaging in high levels of physical activity.

“Anxiety sensitivity is an established risk factor for the development of panic and related disorders,” said psychologist Dr. Jasper Smits of Southern Methodist University, lead author on the research.

“This study suggests that this risk factor may be less influential among persons who routinely engage in high levels of physical activity.”

Prior findings have documented the benefits of exercise among people who suffer from depression and anxiety.

“We’re not suggesting, ‘Exercise instead of pharmacotherapy or psychotherapy,’” Smits said. “Exercise is a useful alternative, particularly for those without access to traditional treatments. Primary care physicians already prescribe exercise for general health, so exercise may have the advantage of helping reach more people in need of treatment for depression and anxiety.”

The research findings are published online and are in press with the scientific journal Psychosomatic Medicine.

The new study adds to earlier research that suggest exercise improves mood and reduces anxiety, working like “an antidepressant drug” (Otto and Smits, 2011). Also, a 2008 study by Smits, and Otto indicated that exercise can also reduce anxiety sensitivity.

That research, combined with the new findings, indicates that exercise may be an effective strategy for the prevention and treatment of anxiety disorders.

“Exercise can be a powerful addition to the range of treatments for depression, anxiety and general stress,” said Otto. “And when people exercise to feel good, they are also taking the exact steps they need to benefit their general health.”

Sensitivity to High Anxiety

Anxiety sensitivity is the extent to which individuals fear they will be harmed by anxiety-related bodily sensations such as a racing heart, dizziness and shortness of breath, say the authors.

Research shows that the higher a person’s anxiety sensitivity, the greater their risk for developing panic attacks and related psychological disorders.

“For people who have high anxiety sensitivity, the symptoms of anxiety tend to signal threat,” said Smits.

“They worry, ‘I’ll have a panic attack,’ ‘I’ll die,’ ‘I’ll go crazy,’ ‘I’ll lose control’ or ‘I’ll make a fool of myself.’ That’s been widely studied as one of the risk factors for development of anxiety disorders, mostly panic. And it’s a robust risk factor in that it’s been replicated in several studies.”

In the current study, the researchers wanted to see if the anxiety reaction to a panic-related stressor would be different among individual who perform high levels of physical activity.

Study participants included 145 adult volunteers who had no history of panic attacks.

After completing questionnaires measuring their physical activity and anxiety sensitivity, the participants inhaled a mixture of room air enriched with carbon dioxide. Inhalation of carbon dioxide is a benign procedure that typically induces a number of bodily sensations, including nausea, racing heart, dizziness, stomach aches and shortness of breath.

After inhalation, participants indicated their level of anxiety in reaction to the sensations.

The results showed that anxiety reactivity to the stressor was dampened among individuals who have been regularly engaging in high levels of physical activity.

Source: Southern Methodist University


Arranging a Child’s Room

Youngster’s and kid’s modern bed room furniture is typically bright and colorful but in addition must be safe and durable. Children love vibrant colors and many stuff to do when in their bedroom but you would like the reassurance and security that comes with if you know they aren’t in any danger. Modern bedroom furniture designed especially for children incorporates all of these factors and items which range from children’s bedroom furniture sets in order to individual storage as well as functional things like book cases, shelving units, and desks are designed to be safe as well as useful and good looking.

Seats include stuff like modern chairs and sofas, but additionally funky modern furniture just like large foam cushions and pods that are great for creative playing. Vibrant colours and also modern designs are usually available on soft furnishings so they can match the character of your child flawlessly. Soft furniture items are also perfect as playroom furniture or as children’s bed room furniture. Rocking horses happen to be a favorite of children for many generations even though the designs happen to be updated they remain a popular addition to children’s bed room furniture and play room furniture sets. In addition to rocking horses, you can additionally buy rockers in the shape of motorcycles, cars, or trucks from KidKraft and Levels of Discovery.

Desks are a perfect addition to children’s bedroom furniture as well as funky modern furniture includes children’s desks with chairs made for safety and creativity. Wooden desks as well as other wooden children’s furniture was made particularly for safe use by children therefore soft wood with curved edges and rounded corners are the usual style and form. Modern bed room furniture sets for youngsters incorporate children’s beds, cupboards, and other storage units however might also include other items. Seating and also play are important to children and to you so you’re able to either look for complete modern bedroom furniture sets or perhaps buy added items to match. My Urban Child has a wide selection of designer children’s furniture items in addition to collections and sets so you will be able to find all you need all on one web page.

Storage is much more important in a child’s bedroom than some other. Toys, clothes, books, and eventually school stuff will all require a long term and tidy spot to reside when not being utilised. Funky bookshelves, cabinets, drawers, storage boxes, and cupboards could complement the design of your son or daughter’s bed room; modern furniture is available in virtually every colour, shape, and design conceivable.


Hidalgo Fortesqueue



Saying “I’m sorry” even when you are afraid to.

Saying “I’m sorry” is one of the hardest things to do in this world.

Sometimes, even the two words, “I’m sorry,” are not enough to express what we truly feel. Learning how to say I’m sorry is definitely a creative process. From expensive gifts to hand-written letters, the possibilities are endless.

After all, different personalities call for different kinds of apologies. Here are a few ideas to say I’m sorry in unconventional ways.

How To Say I’m Sorry With Cats and Dogs

Even though you guys fought like cats and dogs, an apology is still in order. So why not ask a little help from your friendly neighborhood cat or dog and ask it to help you express your apology?

You can tie a small note around the collar of your pet and have it deliver your apology. While the person you’re saying sorry to might not want to see you right now, who can resist yarn-loving paws or puppy dog eyes?

How To Say I’m Sorry With The Pen

If that person thinks you’re not being a great friend or companion, at least be a great pen pal. You can list down all the things you’re sorry and grateful for, and send at least one sentence to that person a day.

You can leave it on the doorstep or a place where you’re sure he or she can see the letter. Do this until you’re forgiven.

How To Say I’m Sorry With A Photo Collage

Your fight isn’t worth all the wonderful memories you two have together. By making a photo collage out of your pictures together, or of the places you’ve been to and had a great time at, you could make him or her realize how valuable your past experiences and relationship are.

How To Say I’m Sorry With Flowers

Flowers say it all. You don’t have to add a note except maybe a small “I’m sorry” card tucked in with the fragrant lilies or roses. And even then, the flowers will do all the work for you.

Here are some suggestions of flowers to use when you want to apologize:

Freesia symbolizes innocence and thoughtfulness. By giving this to the person you’re at odds with, you’re giving them the signal that you’re willing to make up for what you did. Freesias come in all sorts of shapes and colors. A bouquet of different-colored Freesias would definitely melt hearts. If you really want to appear sincere, you should buy the white ones.

A Forget-Me-Not has several symbolisms. It could mean true love, hope, remembrance or memories. While there are several species of this flower, the most popular ones are of the shade of blue.

An interesting twist on how to say I’m sorry with these flowers is by tying them together with a simple string with a note attached to it. Forget-Me-Nots look like they belong to the countryside, and simplicity works best for them. Your note could even contain the specific symbolism you’re aiming for.

Flowers can convey a lot more than ordinary words. If you have the time, then you can even come up with more interesting ways to present these flowers to the person you’re apologizing to.

Learning how to say I’m sorry is a very creative process. These 4 examples above are proof of that. However, you have to remember that your sincerity is much more vital than the grandeur of your apology.

Discover how to say the right words in any situation and influence people by using powerful conversational hypnosis and persuasion techniques. Grab your FREE course that reveals 10 groundbreaking persuasion secrets at

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The Art Of Writing Creative Friendship Letters

Writing a friendship letter requires a fine technique of crafting words. It’s important to choose the words that convey your feelings warmly. friendship letters are very helpful to appreciate your friends when they have done something good for you, or to ask for a favor from your friend. You can write winning notes by taking care of a few guidelines as given below:

Use chart-paper instead of regular paper: You can get different types of textured chart paper from a stationery shop. Use the one which is light-colored. Make sure the texture doesn’t affect the readability of your letter.

Use creative font style: Play around with your font style. Don’t write in a standard cursive manner. Try out some stylish fonts. If your handwriting is not so great, get some professional to help you in writing the friendship letter.

Put a photo: Do you have a photo in which you and your friend are there? Putting a picture of you two together will give this letter a special attention as well as a soft corner in your friend’s heart.

Decorate with Friendship Tattoos: Draw a nice friendship tattoo on the envelope or header to decorate your note. Free friendship tattoos are available on for such messages.Friendship Symbols are also great way of decorating the message. Note that when you use a friendship tattoo or friendship symbol on your message, it should be drawn in a positive color such as pink, cream, blue, etc.

Use a Friendship proverb at the bottom of your note: After you have written your feelings in your note, it’s good to end it with elegance. Put a proverb or quote here. Again, refer to the section on free love quotes on

That’s it! Have a pleasant friendship!


Improve Self Discipline

All over the world eminent philosophers have preached about the importance of self discipline, artists have extolled the virtues of self discipline while successful people have attributed most of their success to this practice. Like most other chapters in his book ?The Success?, Vishwas Mahale quotes from philosophers like Nietzsche and Benjamin Franklin who have praised the virtues of self-discipline.

The basic premise of self-discipline is that in order to gain control over life, one must first gain control over oneself. A person must train his mind to obey his will; he should not be easily swayed from his path by the various temptations that he faces. If a person cannot control himself, he will be easily controlled by others and by circumstances, thus he will never succeed in life. Self discipline begins with self love, if one cannot love himself, one cannot realize the importance of training one?s mind to obey one?s will. In order to bring about self love, humans must learn from nature, without self love, one?s actions will have no meaning at all; life will seem to be uninspiring and lackluster. Once again like in the earlier chapters in this book, Vishwas relates the individual to the cosmos, saying that the whole universe is filled with self-discipline.

In order to succeed, one must learn to take pleasure from what one does, if one does something against one?s will, it ceases to give one pleasure and it adversely affects one?s performance. Setting goals for oneself is also an important activity; it makes one passionate enough to inculcate self discipline within oneself. One?s goals also reflect one?s attitude; a person with a more positive outlook towards life would set higher goals for himself. Once when the goal is set, the individual must be motivated enough to walk that extra mile that is required from him in order to accomplish the desired goal. In this book, Vishwas has listed down ten ways in which a person can keep up his levels of motivation so as not to be disheartened by failure or be wearied down by time.

Vishwas also makes a list of a few factors in which people can keep up their self-belief so as not to lose self-confidence as a result of failures. There must be enough dedication and commitment towards the path of success one has set for oneself. Among other things, one must learn to sacrifice and honestly deal with one?s shortcomings in order to succeed.

Viswas Mahale

Improve Self Discipline


Confidence Quotes To Inspire You

These confidence quotes are a collection from a variety of authors of present and bygone times. You may not of heard of all of them. This is unimportant as the message is really what counts:

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me – or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad – you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” Source: Stacey Charter

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. Source: Peter T. Mcintyre

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance. Source: Bruce Barton

Part of being a champ is acting like a champ. You have to learn how to win and not run away when you lose. Everyone has bad stretches and real successes. Either way, you have to be careful not to lose your confidence or get to confident. Source: Nancy Kerrigan

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. Source: Thomas Alva Edison

A gold medal is a nice thing – but if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it. Source: From Cool Runnings

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. Source: Edmund Hillary

Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control. Source: Richard Kline

It is folly for a man to pray to the gods for that which he has the power to obtain by himself. Source: Epicurus

All that Adam had, all that Caesar could, you have and can do…. Build, therefore, your own world. Source: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers. Source: Mignon McLaughlin

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. Source: Louisa May Alcott

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. Source: Rosalyn Carter

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Source: Lao Tzu

If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won even before you have started. Source: Marcus Garvey

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. Source: African Proverb

Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves. Source: Gene Fowler

Insist on yourself; never imitate. Source: Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but do not relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you. Source: Stewart E. White

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other people. Source: Ralph Waldo Emerson

The kingdom of Heaven is within you… Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven and all things will be added unto you. Source: The Bible

If it is to be, it is up to me. Source: William Johnson

What we need is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out. Source: Bertrand Russell

First thing every morning before you arise say out loud, I believe. Source: Norman Vincent Peale

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. Source: Michael Jordan

It is hoped that you found these confidence quotes inspirational. If you want to learn more about building super self confidence then click on the link to change your life.


Self Confidence Can Improve Your World

self-confidence can be defined as the capacity to have faith in oneself as well as one’s unique skills and capabilities. It is an aspect of positive self concept, and necessary for life achievement. Some individuals who have a social phobia or cannot understand how to increase self confidence cannot become successful. The absence of self-confidence unfortunately, is harmful a person’s success. The lack of a positive self-image can prevent a person in his or her quest to take control over past battles and working toward controlling one’s own future.

Unlike people with a negative self-image, self-confident persons trust in themselves as well as their abilities capabilities to achieve their aspirations. These individuals are focused on success; can learn from errors made previously, and have learned to use those mistakes beneficially. These individuals have discovered that failing does not make them failures. Rather, they merely learned to evaluate the cause of failure and avoid succumbing to the same traps. Self-confident people recognize, anticipate possible impediments to their goals, and tackle these hindrances with the security that they are able to surmount these possible barriers.

Many things cause an individual’s poor self-concept. Sometimes, people allow fear to become an obstacle, which stops them from succeeding in some area. Occasionally, some individuals are deterred by actual or imagined guilt over past errors. On occasion, a social phobia can undermine people’s self-confidence.

Another basis for impaired self-confidence is naïve expectations. It may be that a person aspires to achieve a given task within a given time frame. That aspiration might or might not be practical. In addition, succeeding at a task can sometimes take longer than originally planned. Requiring more time to complete a job or needing to surmount unexpected barriers to achieve one’s aspirations is not the same as failure, although it may at times be seen as such.

At times, people who do not know how to gain self confidence look for ways to boost self confidence. Often they search for therapists to assist them to build self confidence and resolve these struggles. A number of counseling approaches center on building self confidence. One example of this is cognitive behavioral theory, which teaches individuals to boost self confidence through goal setting for improving self confidence, such as looking people in the eye. Moreover, they measure an individual’s achievements by the completion of smaller and then larger goals. Focusing on these tasks indeed help persons acquire behaviors linked with self-confidence; however, it does not modify their self-images or allow them to resolve the struggles that caused the low self-concept.

Positive self-talk is an alternative way to increasing self confidence. Frequently, psychology classes discuss the common theme of the self-fulfilling prophecy. This concept holds that persons are most apt to achieve the tasks that they believe themselves to be able to achieve. Therefore, if clients consider themselves able to fail or low achievement, this is exactly what they will do. Contrastingly, if clients see themselves as high achievers capable of success, they will achieve their desires. Professionals who employ positive self-talk focus on encouraging individuals increase self confidence, and aid them to value themselves as efficacious individuals who have the capacity to pursue their goals effectively.

Hypnosis is another strategy for building self-confidence. By using building confidence hypnotherapy, clients can reach a meditative condition in solitude or with the presence of a therapist. They listen to optimistic phrases and ideas that will allow them to experience stronger feelings of self-confidence by accepting powerful behavioral suggestions. This approach is quite useful for people who are not logical or critical thinkers. For those who are, however, this strategy for improving self confidence is significantly less effective.

A more recent alternative treatment modality that can be used to encourage the development of self confidence is Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). This innovative treatment can actually utilize thoughts that have been causal factors in an individual’s poor self-image to activate thoughts that will facilitate the development of self confidence!

NLP modalities can permit a client to relate previous memories of achievement to the current situation. By using the technique of anchoring, clients can be helped to identify memories of positive self confidence in their past, and anchor those experiences. In times when that client needs to build again, he or she just triggers that anchor to draw from the strength of previous experiences to trust in and expect the successful outcome of the current challenge.

NLP is distinctively easy and yet incredibly efficacious. In contrast with other therapies, it does not require one to painfully analyze previous struggles or lengthy counseling appointments to work effectively. NLP alone offers results for nearly each client who uses it appropriately. The largest majority of clients who have tried NLP gain self confidence very soon after initiating the treatment.

Alan B. Densky, CH is a certified hypnotist and NLP Practitioner. His website offers hypnosis CDs for self-confidence. His confidence building CDs were tested by Personal-Development info in England. Visit him for Free self hypnosis & NLP newsletters and MP3s.


Self Confidence – How To Lose It And How You Can Get It Back

It is well worth discussing what self-confidence is, before describing how you can change your low self confidence into healthier and empowering confidence.

As human beings, we carry out many tasks automatically and without having to think too much about it. An example would be riding a bike. Even though we might have gone through a few years of not using a bike, if we needed to, we would not find any difficulty in getting back on a bicycle and riding again. This is because we have done it so many times before that we know just what to do and do not have to give it too much conscious thought. So if you were to ask someone, how confident are you that you can ride a bike, as long as they had learned to ride a bike in the past, they would probably say ‘very confident’. They feel confident about it because they have done it many many times successfully before. In fact they now give very little thought to actions required to ride a bike. It all happens automatically.

This can be called a type of self confidence. Knowing something so well, that as the saying goes, you could do it with your eyes closed or you know it like the back of your hand.

Now when someone says that they have low confidence, they can so easily make the mistake of encompassing their whole life with this label. They might even say ‘I never have any confidence in myself’. By saying this out loud to others who will listen, or even thinking it to themselves, they will be setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. The label you give yourself or the label you accept as being true will invariably mean that you start to fit yourself to that label, and, can make it your own living reality.

However, that person above will be able to successfully accomplish many things confidently but, and here is the big ‘but’ they will not use these successes as evidence of confidence. They will dismiss or belittle them in some way (e.g. saying “I was lucky”) so that they can maintain this need to say they have no confidence. This is a pity as it is only through taking a realistic view of what happens in their world, will they then be able to feel more confident about themselves.

It can be quite startling how someone will say they have no confidence and yet 5 minutes later they will tell you about some amazing things that they do such as talking in front of 10,000 people, or they go mountain climbing. Despite undertaking these events, which ordinarily seem nerve-wracking events, they may still say that they have low confidence.

So confidence or the lack of it, has a lot to do with how you view yourself. If this is the case then really it is down to a perception. Perceptions are not a true reflection of reality all of the time. Often perceptions, even between just 2 people, can be remarkably different even though these 2 people have in reality, experienced exactly the same thing.

Perceptions are the filters we use to process what happens around us. Our perceptions can make us feel good, bad or indifferent. They can give us a boost of energy or deflate us into an anxious and fearful mass. Our perceptions have power.

Our perceptions are, more often than not, based on our past conscious and subconscious experiences. They are our way of analysing what happens around and enabling us to decide the implications for us. When experiencing anything, our minds will very quickly compare the current experience to past experiences and, these past experiences will indicate how we should react to this current experience. If we have had a bad experience that seems very similar to the current experience, we will feel in a similar way to the feeling we associated with that past bad experience.

So our perceptions are based on past experiences and what we have learned from them.

This gives us a clue about how we can change and become more confident. Our perceptions can be so inaccurate and if they were formed at a young age may also have lacked understanding. Most of us have had the experience of perceiving someone or some situation in a particular way, only to realise that we got it completely wrong. With this in mind, although our perceptions are a form or protection and are meant to enable us to weigh up a situation quickly, they can also be wholly inaccurate.

Healthy and robust self-confidence begins by accepting that your perception of yourself may be wrong in certain matters. For example, some friends will be astounded when someone announces (may be on a drunken evening), that they have low confidence. These friends will say will all sincerity that they find this hard to believe as they always appear confident and in control. Yet that person will still insist that they lack confidence. Obviously the signals that they are externalising are not the same as those that they are internalising. Often the person who appears to be the most confident and out-going will have terrible doubts and internal conflicts. The external bravado will be their way of masking how they feel inside.

Balanced self-confidence begins by admitting and accepting more evidence of what you can do well. It also begins by accepting positive and complimentary comments made to you as well as other forms of evidence. In the past you may have dismissed a positive comment that was said to you because you didn’t know how to handle it. You may even have made a joke of it or tried to dig up the tiniest fragment of evidence as to why you don’t deserve such praise. Many people say something like this ‘Oh, it was nothing’.

It would be virtually impossible to retain your self-confidence if you are someone who always dismisses or belittles their achievements. So make up your mind from today not to do it. Decide from this moment onwards to say just two words when someone says something nice or complimentary to. The two words are ‘thank you’. Try it out next time and see how you feel about it. It will help you start to feel the confidence that has always been theyre waiting for you.